Hello. I’m bourach from Conversations with my Head coming to a computer near you with some interesting stories of mentalism. Be aware of any incoherence as I’ve just woken up from a rather pleasing nap on my sofa.
This week Werehorse has had some into what is going on in her life:
So today, after reading various tweets and articles they link to, I have learned that I am mistaken to believe that the medication I take genuinely helps me, since it is only a band-aid that masks and numbs my true emotions, that I am a survivor of immensely difficult personal and social circumstances even though I don’t remember them, and that I have traumatic memories embedded in my brain that I can’t incorporate into my autobiographical narrative since I have no conscious access to them.
This follows on from last weeks writings in the Guardian from various people which have been discussed in the madosphere at length, including in last weeks TWIM.
The reality is that medication can really be a complete bitch as My Crazy Bipolar Life discusses (beware other parts of this post may be triggering):
A few hours after taking my first little capsule I got that same feeling the Gabapentin gave me – I can only describe it like your body being on some sort of amphetamine stimulant whilst your head can only think about wanting to either cut or kill yourself. Completely flat mood with very depressing suicidal type thoughts slowly seeping through your brain. Yet at the same time there is this rush going through your body which makes you feel all jumpy and then the heart palpitations started which of course make me start to think I’m about to have a panic attack. Which I did indeed end up having… a huge massive one which was just awful. But I persevered and took the three a day I’d been prescribed all of Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and yesterday mornings before deciding I could not handle them any more. And that was me only at 75mg a day when the starting dose is normally 75mg twice a day. There seems to be something in these types of drugs that I’m overly sensitive too because for those 5 days of taking them I was a complete mess, so uncomfortable in my own skin that I’ve scratched so much I’ve made my skin bleed… not been able to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time… constantly feeling on edge and ‘stimulated’ but in a very unpleasant way… like my body and my mind were feeling two completely different things at once… blah… I haven’t taken any for around 30 hours now and it’s only now that I’m starting to feel the last of it leaving my system.
The decision as to whether or not to take medication is a difficult one and all kudos to My Crazy Bipolar Life for at least making the brave decision to try a new medication.
In exciting news LittleFeet was also incredibly brave when she had with someone that she has been getting to know.
We then walked to the park and started to talk. I had mentioned that I would really like to have a being-clear-about-where-we-stand discussion. We had this conversation and we agreed that we both liked each other and would very much like to take things further. I also gave a potted history of my mental health. I didn’t go into a huge amount of detail but I did say that I’d suffered from depression and spent time in The Hospital of Doom and Woe. I also mentioned some Bad Stuff had happened involving an uncle but that I’d had therapy for it.
Do you know what? He didn’t run away. He nodded, he mmmed and ahhhed. And then he told me a bit about his past and the bits that might not be so appealing. And I didn’t run away either. We both agreed that we’d like to start a relationship.
I’m delighted for her. Good things are what she deserves and I’m sure everyone else will wish her good luck and happiness in this relationship.
On the other side of the coin, Dave is with what happens when life goes tits up:
Although my depression and mania are in check as a result of my medication, they are not able to stop life’s actions. It seems as if my life is destined to be full of pain and failure. No matter how much I fight for a better future, luck seems to have a different path for me (I don’t believe in the idea of fate, rather I believe only in luck or the lack of luck. I don’t like the idea that my life has been determined for me, rather I believe that certain major events can have a devastating impact on one’s life. There have been numerous instances where these events have occurred that forced my life in a new direction. And it seems to keep happening no matter what I do). Well another one of these events has occurred, although I’ve found a job, I’ve now lost my support group and the “friends” that I had there. I just don’t get why all of these bad things keep happening to me and my family. A black cloud seems to follow us wherever we go no matter what we do….
Sometimes the problems aren’t the state of our heads, sometimes our problems are that life is just shite. Being mental just makes coping with this shiteness that little bit more difficult. Fingers crossed things will improve soon and the black cloud will go and piss all over people that deserve it.
Golden Psych had a good last weekend:
I started to feel better Friday evening and I had a pretty chilled weekend. I saw friends Saturday night and we all got in to bed and watched a film while gorging on fruit. And Sunday I went for a walk up a big hill in the countryside. I found it really hard work, really strenuous and could only go about 10 paces before stopping, and it was a bit of a scramble but I was determined to get to the top. I was quite proud of myself when I looked up the walk I did when I got home and it is classed as strenuous. For me it really was, but for normal people it would have been a lot easier. But yeah, I felt good for doing it. And I was rewarded with nice views from the top.
I hope everyone reading this is also having a good weekend however that manifests itself. Personally for me I think it might be more kipping on the sofa. But Hark I hear you cry. No mention of earworms. Well, the last couple of weeks I’ve been doing a lot of babysitting for my friend’s toddler. He requests a particular song frequently and it has been scorched into my brain with the power of an intercontinental ballistic missile and as I’m a firm believer that a trouble shared is a trouble halved, you can all share the precious moment when you’re busy doing something and the inanity of this is the only thing you can think about. Enjoy!