28 January 2013 
[Guest post by D Osborne]
As someone who suffers from bipolar disorder while holding down a demanding job and doing a part-time degree, I’m often asked how I manage it. Surely I must suffer at least some problems, professionally, because of this illness?
My stock answer, in public, is that my illness does not prevent me from carrying out my professional functions or attending class. While this is true, it’s also a tad misleading.
I am able to handle the slings, arrows and chainsaws chucked at me by my vindictive affliction because I follow one of the principles of carpentry and always “cut to the side of the waste”.
Those of you who have taken woodwork classes will remember that first you carefully measure out your piece of wood and draw a pencil line where you plan to cut with your saw. When you apply the saw, though, you don’t cut down the middle of the line – instead you cut to the “waste” side of the pencil line. This ensures that the lumps, bumps and gouges resulting from slight deviations from a straight line don’t eat into the piece you’re working on – they stay in the waste, which you will then throw away. A quick sanding and bob’s your uncle!
So it is thus with my illness. The “waste” side is my personal and social life. Any wobbles, big or small, caused by being ill get diverted into my personal life so that my professional existence remains pristine and untouched. For example If I feel myself getting a bit hypomanic and need to get away from people for a bit, I go to work regardless and cancel social activities for a few days. I put every action in the office through two sets of “is that really a good idea or are you manic?”. If I’ve had to use a lot of energy to ward off paranoia, anxiety or obsessive thoughts on a particular day, I push all that away while I’m in the office and then allow it to explode all over me later on when I’m home, so it’s gone in time for the next shift.The effort often leaves me worn out, but I also deal with that when I get home. Similarly for university work.
I spend whole weekends lying in bed because I am so run down. I need to be ok by Monday, because Monday I start work for another week, or I have lectures. Every day that I choose to get up and carry out my professional duties is a battle and a balancing act to ensure that I am able to do it again the next day. I’m sure many other disabled people feel the same way.
So my employer is happy, but will never know what it takes for me to come to work daily. Because if I were to tell them, they would assume this means that my performance must be sub-par, or that I am always in imminent danger of collapsing in a heap and leaving them one staff member down. That just isn’t the case – my CV speaks for itself.
This illustrates the dilemma faced by many disabled people: if they are honest about how their disabilities affect them, everyone thinks they can’t possibly hold down a job and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. But if they say everything is fine, then the rest of the world tends to assume everything in the garden is lovely and they are disabled in name only. Which isn’t particularly accurate.
D Osborne is in her late 30s and is a married IT manager who lives in Scotland and loves cats. She also has had bipolar disorder for 25 years. It sucks and she doesn’t care who knows it!
Reblogged this on The Not So Big Society.
You are fortunate to be so mildly affected by Your mental illness to the point where not only can You keep a job but You can put Your symptoms on hold until You clock off. I’m sure somewhere others may be able to do this with a bit of inner training but please don’t assume that all may be able to function so efficiently !
Just because someone is able to function well while at work does not mean that they are ‘mildly affected’ by their mental illness. Not for one second.
Just because someone is able to go to work and function well at work does not make them any less unwell than someone whose mental illness makes them unable to work – in fact in many cases the person who is able to function at work is often MORE unwell than those whose illness leaves them unable to do so
So PLEASE do not assume that those who can function so efficiently while at work are ‘mildly affected’ by their mental illness, and please do not assume that they are any less unwell than those who are unable to work due to their illness!
Thank you
I can relate a lot to what was written in this post.
I relate to this totally – it is possible to appear sane and reasonable with enough control – but now my personal life has decided to bite back – it didn’t like being neglected indefinitely.
D, I can really relate to your post. I’m usually capable of functioning at work, but often at great cost to my time at home with family. I have no social life at all and no interest for hobbies because I am always trying to recharge my batteries for holding it together at work the next day. I sleep too much and I have uneasy interactions with my family because of dealing with the bipolar on a daily basis.
@Paul, no one with bipolar is “fortunate”, but you are correct that not everyone is able to function at that level. For myself, I never forget the fact that there are people much worse off than me. Without proper medication, I would return to that dangerous state where I was not able to function at all.
I think it is indicative of the unnecessary negative stigma attached to Bi Polar affectation. Some people consider their Bi Polar aspect to be an attribute rather than an illness or handicap !! Many successful and famous people,leaders feel it to be a blessing that enriches their lives both increasing their productivity and creativity. They have learned to harness and tap into it as a vast resource of energy and database. Wisdom states that it is not our circumstances that shape our lives but rather our attitude toward those circumstances ! ! ! We do not have to cripple ourselves with our mindset …instead we can allow it to facilitate our success.
I’m reading a book right now where the author says something very similar to your comment. I think it is necessary to control the symptoms and have more stability before one can hope to harness the positive aspects of bipolar. I want to see the positive side of my illness, but it is very difficult when my moods are swinging and the medication isn’t right. I’m not disagreeing with you, I’m just saying that at this time I need to deal with this as an illness first.
I’m an 18 year old girl and want to see a therapist for my sleepwalking and symptoms of atypical depression. But I’m afraid that if I admit I occasionally self-harm they will slap a label of BPD or Bipolar disorder on me (I don’t have any symptoms of these disorders but I hear occasional self-harming is enough to get the label). I have read on this blog how horribly people with BPD are treated by the health industry. I hope to go to nursing school soon and I don’t think they would admit someone who had a bpd or bipolar diagnosis. For those of you who are knowledgeable about therapy, do you think it’s worth it for me to see a therapist or deal with it on my own? Thanks very much.
Hi Maureen.
From my own perspective as a mental health nurse, I would certainly not consider occasional acts of self-harm in themselves to be sufficient criteria for BPD and definitely not bipolar disorder. There are many people who occasionally self-harm who don’t have those diagnoses. This is particularly the case among teenagers.
Do you mind if I ask which country you’re in? I’m in Britain, so could give some suggestions on how to access services if you live in Blighty, but it might not be so relevant if you live elsewhere.
Something that’s worth remembering is that if you’re seeing a counsellor, psychotherapist, clinical psychologist or even a psychiatric nurse, as opposed to a psychiatrist, then they wouldn’t be qualified to make any diagnoses anyway.
My advice would be to explore the options available to you. These options may not only exist within health. For example, if you’re still in education, your school, college or university may well have an in-house counselling service.
I would also say that there are many nurses successfully working who have a mental health diagnosis. Such diagnoses are by no means a bar to entry in nursing. If you acquired a diagnosis, then you may well be asked to see the occupational health department, but each case is treated on their individual merits.
I live in NY which is a state in the USA. I was worried that I couldn’t get into nursing school if I had a BPD diagnosis. I have read on several psychology sites, including this one, that when presented with a self-harming patient who is a woman, the clinician will label them as BPD even if they don’t fit other symptoms. I don’t think I would see a psychiatrist anyone since I have no desire to be on medication. I will try to set up an appointment with a local therapist. Thanks for your response.
Because I work in mental health, I suspect it’s probably easy for me to forget how frightening it can be sometimes to make that decision to ask for support.
I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve created a standalone post to discuss this topic.
http://theworldofmentalists.com/2013/02/03/do-you-remember-the-first-time/
The fear of being viewed as BPD for occasional episodes of self-harm is not totally unfounded these days as it’s very hard to not acquire that diagnosis [even in addition to illness diagnoses] purely to cover the self-harm aspect. There really are people who have acquired it on the grounds of self-harm alone, and care clusters only refer to self-harm in terms of PD.
In the US there is an even bigger BPD industry and Linehan groupies, I have a friend who is a mental health nurse who’s just started working out there, she tells me that it’s much harder to extricate yourself from services over there but the up side is there is more contact with service users and they appear to take decent housing more seriously. I don’t know how nursing schools are out there but here a diagnosis is much less of a barrier than it used to be. It might be worth surfing more US blogs and sites to see if you can ascertain more info about schools in NYC to make an informed decision. Can you see a therapist for support without that being known to your family doctor?
Paul I do see your point, Bipolar has become quite ‘fashionable’ amongst celebrities irrespective of whether they’ve actually been diagnosed as such or used NHS mental health services. There can be some romantic notions about Bipolar and psychosis and the creative talents of people, but some of us with the diagnoses would say that difficult periods and/or physical treatments just kill off our creativity completely! I too worry about the ‘anything is copeable with the right attitude’ line of thinking because why should anyone have to cope with discrimination, abuse, bullying, poverty, poor housing etc. I worry that problem solving therapy will only look at problems which are ‘solvable’ and CBT might seek to make us cope better with disability hatred. A good attitude is not in itself a bad thing but turning this into pathology if we fail to smile in the face of adversity worries me. I’m ok with hearing how people have succeeded [or struggle but still succeed] in working/studying, all credit to them because we must not assume that anyone in work/education has no struggles, no problems.Too much of that already exists with services failing to support people in work. Equally, I can find the collective desire of services, policy makers, and some voluntary sector and peers to prejudice ‘recovery’ stories, with degrees/paid employment as the main measure of that recovery somewhat limiting because it ignores all the people who haven’t achieved that, or have achieved a different kind of living as best they can.
I worry that the voices of people who we will never see online, in focus groups, at conferences etc are now left by the wayside to such an extent that those who really need to know the reality of their lives will never know. I’m thinking of the person on monthly depot injections living in a squalid home and that’s it. The bright happy clappy shiny recovery movement don’t see these people and don’t care to because if they do they are just as good at pointing them out and saying they’ve “chosen” this life as the politicians are of claiming all sorts about unemployed, sick and disabled people. Institutionalised mentalism…
Joanna that is what I’m afraid of, that I will get stuck with the “BPD” label even though I have no other symptoms of it and no offense meant to BPD sufferers, but there is a lot of stigma that comes with that diagnosis. If I admit to sleepwalking and night terrors I come across as a sympathetic young woman. If I admit to occasional self-harm then I’m a disgusting monster, possibly unfit to go into the career I want. You see why people are so afraid to reach out to mental health services!
I work with self-harmers on a daily basis. It’s part of my bread-and-butter clinical work.
I certainly don’t regard people who self-harm as “disgusting monsters” and neither do any of my colleagues. It’s simply another form of coping mechanism.
I’m sorry – my previous comment must have sounded so offensive! I didn’t mean to say that self harm makes the person disgusting. But the reality is it IS regarded as disgusting my post people. Most people enjoy drinking so we can understand alcoholism, many people struggle with their weight so we can understand eating disorders, most people understand the allure of drugs so we can understand drug addiction…but most people do not physically mutilate their bodies so of course self-injury seems disgusting. Half the people I know are squeamish at the thought of blood!
I know what you mean Maureen, and yes Z it’s clear you have no such views, but sadly the negative view of self-harm and the framing of it as BPD with that being viewed horribly is worrying prevalent within the profession.
I’ve listened to an academic nurse tell me that categorically that people defined as having psychosis DO NOT self-harm! It’s not widely accepted now that self-harm occurs outside of PD and this fashion looks set to continue